Saturday, March 10, 2012

Stef's little game

Ok. Here are the rules.

The Rules:
1. Post the rules
2. Share 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions posted to you from your tagger
4. Come up with 11 new questions for the people you tag
5. Tag your peeps on Twitter, Facebook, or on your blog

1. I've lived in 10 different cities

2. My least favorite city was Gallup, NM.

3. I've done four types of illegal drugs in my lifetime, but none of them are hallucinogens. Those scare me. Including mushrooms. I'm always afraid I'll have a bad trip and see swarms of bugs running up my legs.


5. Jesus bothers me.

6. I have read almost every Agatha Christie known to man. This is not necessarily voluntary. For some reason Belgians love Agatha Christie (Poirot, I'm assuming). When I lived there for a year they were the only books I could find in the library that were in English.

7. I once stole a strapless bra from Kmart. I felt so guilty about it afterwards that I didn't go back in the store for half a year, even though it's right by my house. That was the end of my career as a thief.

8. I secretly believe that if I had been raised on better food I would have a superb pallet.

9. When I was younger I was traumatized by the movie "Willow." I thought the evil Queen Bavmorda was waiting for me in toilets, and that if I sat down on one she would stab me in the ass with her knife (the one she uses in the scene towards the end with Elora Danan on the ritual chopping block table).

10. I hate sleeping without socks on.

11. I once lived in a house with a ghost so nobody can tell me that ghosts aren't real. Nobody. Shut up. SHUT UP!

Stef's Questions:
1. What is one habit you have that you would love to be able to rid yourself of

2. Do you have a favorite scent (candle/perfume/food/flower), and what sort of emotions or memories does it invoke?
I like darker scents, hefty with spice. I guess the go-to would be cinnamon. Memories? I suppose being cozy in the middle of a cruel Wisconsin winter and reading the Redwall series (auth: Brian Jaques) with my madre. Also: Bacon. Emotions: Hunger.

3. What TV series or movie could you watch over and over and never tire of?
I watched "Lost" all the way through twice. We're talking 6 years worth of material here. But I wasn't totally down with the ending, so I don't think I'd go through it again. I love "Game of Thrones."
YOU ASKED FOR IT: A list of movies I have and will watch over and over.
Gosford Park
Jane Eyre (newer one with Mia Wasikowska and Mikie "Makes me Spluge" Fassbender)
Robinhood: Men in Tights
Willow (despite the trauma thing) (or maybe because of! Ooooo, what does that say about me!)
A&E/BBC's mini-series of Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle
Pretty much any Jane Austen movie, except the recent adaptation of Emma that aired on PBS
Far and Away (take those judgey pants off!)
Jerry Maguire (I've gotten over this one, but I had to throw it in because there was a point in my life when I was seriously in love with Cuba Gooding, Jr., and this was one of my go-to's)

4. What is a question that people ask you that you are tired of answering or explaining? (during baseball season I have to defend that I am rooting for the Phillies because I'm from there. People in Pittsburgh don't like that)

5. What is your dream car? No worries about money/mileage/safety/practical things.
I know nothing about cars. I suppose something environmentally friendly for one. For another: it's always pissed me off that antique cars used to be so pretty, but now cars look totally stupid. If I could design my own car it would look like one of those old ones, with all the curveys and swervies, but run like a new one. Modern day car designers can eat a butt!

6. What fashion trend (past or present) did you try and regret?
I'm not trendy or fashion-y, but I've done some stuff with my hair. I shaved the bottom half of my head once, and I don't know if I regret it, but I also don't think it was very pretty. I've done pretty much everything you can imagine with my hair, and a lot of it wasn't very cute.

7. What exotic animal would you like to have as a pet? No worries about laws/money/practicality.
God, I can't even afford my dog. But I've always wanted horsies. And when I was little I wanted a pigmy potbellied pig, but I'm sure that would wear thin after a while. I'm too much of a jaded pet owner to answer this question. Horsies.

8. If you had a million dollars to donate to one charity, which one would you pick and why?
My student loan fund

9 . What is your favorite word, in any language?
spluge; schadenfreude

10. What restaurant would you eat at/meal could you eat all the time if calories and money weren't a factor?
Chicken Latino!

11. What Sci-Fi weapon or tool (from movies/tv/literature) would you love to own?
I don't really know a lot of sci-fi stuff, outside of light sabers, and I'm not really big on weapons. They scare me, and I think they're bad for humanity. I do have some mace I carry around, although I don't know how useful it would be if somebody stuck a gun to my head. If we go the fantasy route, I could definitely go for a wand or some magical abilities. Probably the Ring of Power would be nice to have, as long as you could contain the evil.


1.) Which living Hollywood actor(ress) is your soul mate and why?
2.) You're offered your pick of any job in the world. What would it be?
3.) If you were going to name your children something non-traditional, what would it be (pick one each for boy and girl)?
4.) What places do you want to visit that you haven't gotten to yet?
5.) Dogs or cats?
6.) A song/sound/commercial/show that's annoying in a way that grates on your soul
7.) If you had to spend a day with a reality television star, which one of those assholes would you pick and why?
8.) What's something you hate that's totally unexpected and/or irrational? (mine is when people ask "are you ok?")
9.) Foreign men: which ones are hottest?
10.) You are given a billion dollars but you must use it to build your dream estate. Describe.
11.) You are forced to give up one appendage but are able to choose which. Which one and why?

Thursday, February 2, 2012

DO AS I SAY: a brief sojourn into the world of hypocrisy

My mother called me out on it, as mothers so often do.

“Why do you always get to ask what I’m reading,” she demanded in her still thick upper Midwestern accent, “but I can’t ask what you’re reading?”

“Because it’s not annoying to me when I do it,” I said.

I realized in that moment that I am probably the Ultra Mega Super Trooper Queen of Hypocrites. Sure, we’re all guilty from time to time. But I believe that my innate moody bitchiness, which propensity has through the years been amplified by the rather unfortunate condition of my being a spoiled and indulged only child, has lead to a level of unreasonable-ness in the hypocritical sector that would be difficult to beat. For example, here are five annoying hypocrisies that I perform on a semi regular basis that I was able to spew out almost without thought:

  1. “What are you reading?” The bane of all those literature freaks who can’t stop themselves from reading in public. Often followed by such obnoxious follow ups as: “I haven’t heard of that, what’s it about?” “Is it porn?” “Do you know what I was reading the other day?” and/or suggestions of other books you might rather be reading than the one right in front of you. BUT: As indicated by the above conversation, I will be the first to ask you what you are reading.
  2. Bodily functions. Your burps, farts, itching of dry skin, and knuckle crackings annoy the piss out of me. I cannot stand your sniffles when you have a cold, or the incessant coughing that attends it. BUT: with the exception of knuckle cracking I do it all, and I furthermore expect everyone to feel very sorry for me when I’m sick, cook me soup, and buy me expensive lotion infused tissues.
  3. Eating. Watching people eat is gross and weird. BUT: I eat all the time.
  4. Talking during movies/TV shows. Seriously, people, shut the fuck up. It’s rude, and then you miss something that happens, and then you have to ask me what’s going on two minutes later because you were so busy talking you lost track. BUT: If I’m talking it’s because I have something really awesome and clever to say. (Ok, but in my defense I really do have half the IMDB memorized so I’m sort of a fountain of knowledge)
  5. Annoying drunk people. I don’t think I have to get into the “BUT” here.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg, the ones that came to me right away. If I did a field study of myself (which is totally something I would do), it would probably reveal up to 300 hypocritical tendencies. However, having said all that, I do think there are at least five people who might defeat me in the race to be elected Secretary General of Hypocrisy.

  1. Guy Fieri (Foodnetwork host). His real name is Guy Ferry, and he never went to cooking school. This could possibly be forgiven if he didn’t wear his sunglasses on the back of his head and dye his weird spikey hair platinum even though he’s in his 40’s.
  1. Paula Deen (Food Network host). She has diabetes folks. Just saying.
  1. Charlie Sheen. Because he claimed to be winning. His demise may have had you tickled, highly entertained, rolling in the aisles. But Charlie Sheen is not, I can assure you, winning.
  1. Mel Gibson. I mean, seriously, Mel Gibson, what the fuck. I thought you were hot in “Braveheart,” and now that just feels totally dirty and wrong. Like almost as dirty and wrong as I feel for being attracted to Tom Cruise in “Far and Away” before I realized he’s short and crazy. Anyway, blah blah, Mel claims to be super Catholic and good but in fact despises the world and unleashes his tirades in drunken recorded conversations. You know the story.
  1. Ghandi. I don’t know how much of this is true, seeing as how I got all my information from shady internet sources. Also, I feel compelled to mention that I don’t know much about Ghandi in general. Apparently if you never appeared on the Food Network then I don’t know fuck all about you. But, for the sake of this list I’m choosing to believe everything I read. Ghandi was a racist pedophilic bisexual. Ok, who cares if he was gay, bi, whatever, that’s just a salacious slice of gossip. But racist? Seriously? An Indian dude, one of whose biggest fans was Dr. King? Yep. He didn’t like black South Africans. And he slept naked with young girls. Shame, shame, Ghandi! You are the front runner for nabbing my hypocrite crown!